Jokes

Collected jokes, with an emphasis on government

 

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Rules: No smut, no vulgarities, no racial slurs,

if all this is possible when jesting on the subject of the PresidentS Clinton.

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Government Jokes

IRS Specialties

Computer Humor

Just Plain Old Jokes

You've Had Too Much Coffe When ...

Bill Gates

the PresidentS Clinton

Government Jokes

1.

2.

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1. It is no accident that the two words "the IRS" spells the single word "theirs".

1. A email was returned due to insufficient voltage.

2. Sofware update - replace the old bugs with new bugs.

3. Please do not afflict, agitate, agonize, annoy, badger, bedevil, beset, bother, bug, bully, chagrin, chivvy, collar, deave, displease, disquiet, distort, distress, detain, doubt, exasperate, excruciate, gall, grate, gravel, harass, harrow, harry, heckle, hound, irk, mock, molest, nag, needle, nettle, offend, outguess, out-teach, pain, perplex, persecute, persecute, pester, pique, plague, provoke, question, rack, raze, razz, rib, rile, ruffle, spite, tantalize, tease, thistle, thorn, trouble, upset, vex, worry or zap the Webmaster.

Good food and software are acceptable if accompanied with a smile 8<) and no disclaimer.

(Courtesy of the Zoo.)

 

 4. THE TOP SIX REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:

1.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

5.

 1. Observation of Astronomical Dimensions

Scintillate, sccintillate global vivific,

Fain would I fathom thy nature specific.

Loftily poised in ether capacious,

Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous.

2. Dam EPA

3. Oddly Enough at http://inside.excite.com/c/000020001153447503

 4.

1. How many MS (MicroSoft) employees does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb and one to buy the company.

2. Gates in Hell

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by

putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help in your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you," God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first." So, Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and

frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was

nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So, Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to

a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caverns, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma, no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful!!! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95. And next month you get to try Hell 98".

 

 

 

1. Courtesy ICE, From"Mark A. Smith" <msmith01@flash.net>

ADVICE FROM FORMER PRESIDENTS

* Clinton, distraught and contemplating his latest scandal was walking through Washington looking for any kind of guidance. He walks up to the Washington Monument, looks up and says, "George, you were always wise, what should I do?" Low and behold, a voice comes down from above and says, "ABOLISH THE I.R.S. AND START OVER." Clinton, amazed that he is talking to the past President thinks he'll try it again.

* He walks over to the Jefferson Memorial and utters the same request to Americas author of the Declaration of Independence and one of its great early philosophers. "Thomas, you never had these kind of problems, what can I do to rally people behind me?" Again a voice from above answers, "WELFARE, ITS NOT WORKING, ABOLISH IT, START OVER."

* After hearing this Clinton is so excited he is planning to go to all the historic sites for guidance. Next he goes to the Lincoln Memorial for guidance from the President who met his untimely death after winning the Civil War and keeping the country unified. "Abe, I need your help. People are losing confidence in me and they no longer trust me. What should I do?" After a substantial pause Abe responds, "TAKE THE DAY OFF GO TO THE THEATER."

 

2. This site advertises a lie detector for use on line over a telephone line. I couldn't resist the temptation to list it here.

3. Gatesmobile

4. Slick Willy Limericks

5. Bill Clinton walked into his office today wearing a pair of girl's pink panties wrapped around his arm. The staff was afraid to either look or ask about it. Later Hillary walked in with Dan Rather. Both could not have helped but notice the pink arm band. But, to everyone's astonishment, and relief, Hillary said nothing. But to a reporter it was just too much to leave alone. And since Dan knows Bill so very well, Dan had to ask.

"Bill, just why are you wearing that pair of girl's pink panties tied around your arm?"

"Oh, that," Bill replied. "That's my patch. I'm trying to quit." [Well, it could be true.]

6. Since the PresidentS Clinton is/are a democrat, the following joke is in style. A seond grader in Leominster, near here, used his cat for "Show and Tell." He proudly announced, "Our cat had 5 kittens last Saturday, and they are all good Democrats." The teacher, an NEA member, said, "That's wonderful. The commissionmer of Education is visiting us, and I want you to tell him about your cat and her kittens." Billy, the second grader, agreed. Some time later, Commissioner Antonucci stopped by the school; and the teacher remembered to call on Bill for his news. Billy stood up and blurted, "Our cat had 5 kittens, and they are all conservative Republicans." The teacher forgot herself and gasped, "But, Billy, last month you told us those kittens were all Democrats." Billy answered, "Yes, but they had just been born. Now, their eyes are open..."

7. Flinton Defends His Pet Dog, Rocks

8. Gates Gets Bill. Check it out in the latest version of MS-WORD. 1) Type the following: Hillary Clinton's husband. 2) Highlight the entire phrase. 3) Click on thesarus. 4) Check out the synonym it selects.

9. Wrong's Not Right - Hillarious song with Clinton's voice dubbed in. The new Steve Vaus song is at

<http://www.stevevaus.com/wrongnotright.spl.html> Click on the music icon at the bottom.

10.

And, of course, the usual disclaimer of weasel clauses made necessary by the likes of the PresidnentS Clinton and their BBL buddies.

Public figures must put up with publicity as part of their career. Such is the plight of the PresidentS Clinton.

The humor herein is meant for just that: humor. Laugh or get lost.

Jokes bounce around society like federal agents. They then are assumed public domain in the same manner as folk songs and folk literature. If anyone claims copyright ownership to any humor herein, please contact forest@uhuh.com and your humor will be removed, or credit given. No intention is made to steal on this site. If you own some humor and wish credit, so state.

Copyright 1998 by Forest Glen Durland.

  ** uhuh **

The President said he is reducing taxes.

uhuh.

Congress says they are balancing the budget.

uhuh. Sez who?

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